Change Is Not A Four Letter Word

"When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves." -Viktor Frankl

I just finished reading a wonderful, thought-provoking book-"You Can Heal Your Heart: Finding Peace After a Breakup, Divorce, or Death" by Louise Hay and David Kessler (2014.) The authors discuss using affirmations to change our thought processes surrounding loss. I'll write a future post on grief, as it definitely deserves it own space. For now, though, I want to take a step back and think about how we look at any transition in our lives, as most of us don't particularly enjoy them.

I don't think I've ever met anyone who told me they like change. In fact, most people that I know say they hate it. In my very humble opinion, the way that we all talk about change needs to change. It is not a four letter word, yet our society is full of people who all say we hate it. Our society which is changing all the time is full of people saying we hate change!

If we bring about our own change, that feels slightly better, right? Job changes, having babies, buying a new house, taking up a new hobby-these are all things that we typically choose. While they come with stress of adjusting to a new lifestyle, we don't seem to dread it as much because our expectations are that life will improve in some way. We get a better paying job, we move to a bigger house, we expand our family, we start a new exercise program, all in an effort to improve and fulfill our lives. We are willing to put up with a bit of adjustment or discomfort in order to reach our goal. Sure, a move is expensive and stressful, but we'll do it in order to have our dream house. Our expectations change how we view a situation and how we experience it. 

The tougher situations are when the change is an undesired one. We are fired or laid off from our job and have to find a new one quickly. While we do as much as we can, we know we can't force someone to hire us, and we lose 100% control over how, when, and where we find a new position. Our thoughts follow suit-we worry about how long it will take, how long we can last without a paycheck, or how quickly our bank account will get depleted. Worry changes our expectations. Anxiety interferes with our thinking. We think unhelpful things like it wasn't supposed to happen like this. We may being to worry that we won't find as good of a job, or one that pays as well. Our worry may set our expectations without our even realizing it. We may expect the worst. We may make ourselves more uncomfortable during an already uncomfortable process.  

In their chapter where job loss is highlighted, Hay and Kessler argue our society places our identity and value on our jobs. They illustrate how we ask a person "What do you do?" very soon after meeting them. In the example above, the authors suggest certain affirmations such as "My value lies beyond any job" (page 155) in order to remember our intrinsic value as human beings. They recommend we not think poorly of ourselves because we lost our job, and I would argue we can apply this logic to any chance we face. Because of our expectation- our identity is our job- and because of anxiety (worry about the future) we come to "hate" the process.

Similar to the authors, I'm going to suggest asking yourself some questions, regardless of what you're facing: what if we had no expectations? What if we looked at things more like a mathematical equation, and simply tried to find a solution? Or, what if we agreed sometimes there is no answer? What if we simply had faith in ourselves? What if we looked at change as singularly neutral events-things that either happen or don't happen-and focused on what we can control instead of what we can't? What if we stop thinking of people as lucky or unlucky? How would you feel if you approached change with faith, strength, and love? How would you feel if you didn't think of change as a four letter word? What if you chose to validate yourself as strong and able to manage the discomfort of what lies ahead of you?

Hay and Kessler say we don't have to like all that has happened, but we can still feel positive about how we handle it. If we hate change and all that comes with it, we will feel negative. We deserve so much more- we deserve love. We deserve love even in the face of unwanted change, even if it means changing ourselves and the way we think about it.

The authors have many great points throughout, and I think we can take their lessons on a broader scale (check out the book here.) For me, anger, resentment, and hatred stay stuck in a very uncomfortable place. But love moves. Love grows, and blooms, and turns into things more beautiful than we can ever anticipate. 

Turtle Time

"I know that each of us has much to do. Sometimes we feel overwhelmed by the tasks we face. But if we keep our priorities in order, we can accomplish all that we should. We can endure to the end regardless of temptations, problems, and challenges." -Joseph B. Wirthlin

I have a strategy that I'm guessing you already do, even if you don't realize it. I affectionately refer to it as "turtle time." Turtles instinctively retreat to their shell when predators are near. Last week, I talked about keeping your focus, and this concept is another way to keep yourself on track. Allow me to explain.

At times, we can all benefit from pulling into our shell. When things are too busy, hectic, or stressful, or a mood episode is approaching, we need to prioritize our safety and well-being. Isn't it wise to "turtle up", and consider a mild retreat in order to reassess, refocus, and reorganize? The retreat can be physical, emotional, or intellectual, but it's a break to care for our minds, bodies, and spirits. I realize we can't stay that way all the time, but if we temporarily let some things go to keep ourselves well, I'm all for it. In fact, I think it's downright healthy.

If you go to the ER with a broken arm, you can safely assume you'll be there for hours, right? It's not because the staff aren't skilled, or because they're not moving quickly, but simply because they triage. Emergency rooms prioritize their patients based on severity of symptoms. If your broken arm is being weighed against a heart attack and motorcycle accident, you'll wait every time. The ER deals with the most serious first, and when life is throwing a lot at us at once, we can adopt the same strategy. Pull a bit into the shell when you need to attend to the most pressing things first. Reassess. Refocus. Reorganize. Decide what you'll deal with now, and what can wait. Do some triaging, like you're running your own personal emergency room. In a way, sometimes we are!

Sometimes, the most pressing thing is getting out of bed. Sometimes, it's getting to work or returning a phone call, or paying a bill. Sometimes, it's making sure we exercise or do another healthy coping skill to maintain our mood and well-being. Sometimes, the most important, most pressing thing we can do is lower our expectations and let go. We can let go of what is happening, what we're worried about, what our expectations might be, and our judgment of how we think we're doing. Sometimes, it's okay to pull into the shell for a bit and give ourselves a much needed reprieve. Turtle time is a conscious choice to put some things down in an effort to preserve our physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being. When we are ready, we will pick them up again and move forward.

A word about what I think "turtle time" isn't. It is not about hiding out long term. It's not about being in a depressive episode and staying in bed all day-although it can be very, very hard or impossible to get out of bed. It's not withdrawing from your support people and things. It's not because you don't want to deal with things for an extended period. It's not so you don't have to confront the people, situations, or circumstances that life has dealt you or you have helped to create. Turtle time is not because you can't do it, because we both know that you can.

Remember the other side-once the turtle comes back out, it travels onward. Once the imminent threat is removed, they come out, and move on. Sure, they move pretty slowly, but I sincerely doubt the turtle minds.

In fact, from the turtle's perspective, it is exactly the right pace. And I'm willing to bet we're all moving at exactly the right pace.

Keep Your Focus

"I'm facing Niagara Falls-the wind and the mist and the dark and the peregrine falcons-and I'm going to stay focused on the other side." -Nik Wallenda

I'm a big picture type of person. It's not that I can't handle the details; when I need to, I can hunker down with the best of them. The big picture is just easier for me to see, like stringing beads together to create something larger. Individual notes aren't a song unless they're played together, and I'm really good at hearing the music.

That is, I'm good as long as I can stay focused. Focus is easy to lose when we are distracted by either internal or external stimuli. In other words, when our brains are busy or there is much happening around us, focus is one of the first things to suffer. It's an official symptom of major depression, attention deficit disorders, and anxiety. We are distracted at work, at home, when we're driving. Our minds are elsewhere.

Mindfulness has gained much popularity in the west for this very reason- we all know we're distracted. We're not in the moment at all, and in fact, we do so many things automatically that we forget we did it. While driving, we think, "Wow, I don't remember getting here already!" In some ways, this is a coping mechanism for our brains, or we wouldn't get anything done at all, especially under stress. But sometimes we're too unfocused and it derails us from what is healthy and productive. We get knocked off our square, as it were.

How do we keep it together? Remind yourself of what's important. Remind yourself of what can be done today, and only for today. Or only for the morning, if you must. Divide and conquer your day, your tasks, in order to stay focused on your goal. Yes, other things may distract us and we attend to them if we must, but keep your eyes on the end zone. Especially for those unanswered questions: how long will I stay at this job? Will my relationship last? Will my kids be okay at their new school? Some things can't be solved now, and we don't need to allow those worries to consume us. Keep two lists- a weekly or daily list (whatever is easier) and a monthly list. Your decisions will stay current and relevant. Tackle what you can now, and try to discard the rest. Make a "worry box" if it helps you, where you write down your concerns and distractions and put them in the box. You'd be surprised at how often I do this and weeks later realize I'm not concerned at all about what I wrote down. All worrying does is distract from the present and keep your mind in the future. Don't allow your past to haunt you, either. Pay attention to how you're feeling- Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, the legendary psychiatrist and expert on grief, was famous for saying that any anger older than fifteen minutes was old anger and not about the present. Whether or not you agree with her, pay attention and ask yourself some questions. Allow yourself to feel whatever you're feeling, and focus on healing. Focus on your goals. Focus on now.

Tune in to right now. Tune in with how you feel, what you are experiencing, and keep your focus. Don't allow the static to derail you. Don't allow other people, situations, or your mood to take you off track. Keep your story real, fair, and objective, so you can stay kind to yourself. Stay true to what you know your goals to be. Do the things that help keep your focus, even when you don't feel like it.

Be like a camera lens and snap a clear shot, regardless of the blurry objects in the background. Those blurry objects don't matter in the big picture, and only you know what you want the big picture to look like. Make it happen. 

Practice Makes Perfect?

No, not perfect. If you read my last post, you already know I think it's counterproductive to aim for perfection.

But practice is another story. Practice is important, and definitely a worthwhile goal. I took piano lessons as a kid, and my teacher always told me to make sure I practiced my songs correctly. In other words, she didn't want me practicing my mistakes. Why? Because if we practice something enough times, our brains and our muscles commit it to memory. My teacher explained this, and said that if I practiced it wrong, it was much more difficult to fix. In fact, she thought it was harder than learning it from scratch. Overwriting our brain's muscle memory is challenging.

How do I apply this to mental health? Practice what works, and work very, very hard to change what doesn't. If you are prone to a negative thought process, your brain has made this a habit. It can become your default setting. It will be like me playing the music wrong. Even when I know I'm playing it wrong and my brain is saying, "No, that's not right!", my fingers will make the mistake anyway. The same can be said for our thought process. We can recognize we're in a negative cycle, but if we don't work to change it, we will do it again and again.

Keep in mind, I said it was challenging, but not impossible. Practice every day, whether or not you feel you need it, and regardless of how you feel emotionally. The time to practice a new skill isn't when you actually need it, yet this is what most of us will do! We think to ourselves that we're feeling anxious, and we should practice that deep breathing our therapist told us about. Deep breathing is really hard to do when we're anxious unless we've practiced enough to really nail it, but we forget to practice it until we feel anxious! A bit of a catch-22. Alternatively, if we practice regularly and often, it becomes memory. It becomes habit. It becomes something our amazing brains can implement, and will eventually implement automatically.

Decide what your skills are going to be, and practice them each day. Regardless of what you're trying to change, you can add or replace old habits with practice. Whether you're practicing an actual skill or attempting to change a thought process, it requires doing it over and over again. How many times you need to do it before it becomes automatic can vary, but the time will pass either way, so what are you risking to begin? Begin today, not tomorrow. Begin now.

It's not just going to happen magically. We have to work for it, like anything else, and it requires patience and perseverance. Know you are worth the effort and begin again each day. And practice, practice, practice.

Lessons From a Recovering Perfectionist

“Good enough is good enough. Perfect will make you a big fat mess every time.” ― Rebecca Wells, The Crowning Glory of Calla Lily Ponder 

If there was a 12-step program for perfectionists, I would have been the originator and president. My brain is just hard-wired for perfectionist behavior and thought processes. Luckily, I deliberately make choices to the contrary, and here's why:

When we strive for perfection, we always fall short.We might perfectly execute a certain task, but a critical eye will notice the room for improvement elsewhere. In the cost-benefit analysis of this method of thinking, the idea of doing a good enough job is far outweighed by any attempt at perfection.

What do we risk when we attempt perfection?  The easiest answer to that question is "certain failure." We will never be perfect, the things we do will never be perfect, and we will never perfect our roles as parents, co-workers, clinicians, and friends. We will always fall short. Thus begins the downward spiral of negative thinking, where we outline our mistakes, promises of "next time" and "I failed" and "I'm not a good _____."  Worse yet, we may not even try next time. We risk disappointment in ourselves, lower self-esteem, and added stress. We risk losing touch with ourselves. We risk launching ourselves on a slippery slope of distorted thinking.

The perfectionist sees the deficit instead of the effort and accomplishment. The perfectionist has overwhelming anxiety of not being perfect and thereby not being any good at all. This is much different from seeing our strengths and working from them. This is where things are either black or white- either we're perfect or we're no good. If we buy into this process, we don't even stand a chance at fulfilling our desires and finding happiness. We will always fall short with this method of thinking, and we also risk convincing others that we're right.

How about we try to see ourselves as good enough? Donald Winnicott, pediatrician and psychoanalyst, coined this term in his research with mothers and infants. The "good enough" are the parents who meet their babies' needs more often than not, allow them to feel in control of their environment, and remain cognizant of their abilities while maintaining safety. Winnicott recognized we don't need to be perfect to raise healthy, well adjusted children. We simply need to be good enough. We will never be perfect, so let's aim for trying as hard as we can, keeping in mind that we will mess up once in a while. That's not only okay; it's human.

This is where I'll ask you to add five plus two, which I'm sure you can do before finishing this sentence. Now, think of ten minus three. Instead of seeing yourself as a "less than" equation, try adding up your good qualities and efforts. You will arrive at the preferred, true result-how very good enough you are. Think of your five plus two. Consciously and deliberately choose your five plus two. There is cause for celebration in our imperfections, if only we allow it.

I've done the cost-benefit analysis, and I promise it's worth it.