The Beginning

Every place has a beginning.  Sometimes we don't always see it, and we focus on trying to find all the middle parts and even what the end will be, but we forget about where we started. It's useful to think of the starting point in order to remember how far we've come, because we're not terribly great at seeing that. We need to see how far we've come and what we've learned, so we know what doesn't work.

Yes, you read that correctly. What doesn't work for you? So often therapists ask their clients what works for them to feel better, while clients experiment and study what will help during a mood episode or that of a loved one. Why don't we start with asking what doesn't work? Most of the time, that's easier to pinpoint, at least early in recovery. We know that giving into compulsions only work for a period of time before anxiety surges again, and we know we met with a therapist we definitely did not care for, and we know that there are several medications we've tried that were ineffective or made us feel worse. We know so much already, if only we flip things around and look at what we can already discard. You are smarter and stronger today than you were yesterday, if only you can see what you can cross off the list.

Don't allow a distorted view to tell you that you don't know yourself or what you need in your recovery. Sometimes, it's knowing what you don't know, and knowing what won't help you that is the perfect place to begin. Yes, there is a place for the professional to guide you- but we rely on you. We heavily depend on you answering our questions, making observations, and thinking things over right along with us. We couldn't do it without you. Refuse to see the deficit and see what you already know, because it's more than you think.

So often we only see the road ahead, and the mountain that we must climb. I argue the mountain ahead is easier, because you know more now than ever. It is easier than what is behind you, because you are stronger today. You are stronger now than you were this morning. It will come when you need it as long as you keep going, and no one can travel your journey better than you. 

You Can't Reseal A Banana

Lately, my youngest child has been really frustrated with eating bananas.

He's always loved bananas, so it's confusing. He asks for a banana, and seems to want to eat it, but once it's peeled, he becomes very upset. He cries, he screams, and he furiously tries to reattach the peel. He puts it all back together and holds it at the top, as if somehow keeping it in his tight little fist will reseal it. He holds it up to me like a trophy of aggravation while he screams for me to help him. 

While this makes him a pretty neurotypical two year-old, it got me thinking. How many times do we figuratively try to put a banana back together? Take back words that were said, worry about our future, obsess about our past, about mistakes we made or things that were done to us? Anxiety and depression are nagging voices in our minds that try to keep our minds anywhere but the present moment. Anxiety and depression enjoy watching us spin our wheels with frustration and misery.

I've heard people say that depression is sadness about the past, and anxiety is worry of the future. To some extent, I agree with this, and further, it's mostly out of our hands. We can't help how we feel, and even if there are tangible things that are contributing to our mood, they may or may not be things we can or even want to change. And how do we even know if we should change them, or if we just see it that way because we're depressed? It's very hard to tease out.

My son is learning about cause and effect, and the consequences of his choices. Similarly, we can learn from our past. Let's all agree that we can forgive ourselves our mistakes, forgive others who have wronged us, and not worry about what is to come. Instead, let's try to keep our minds in this day, and this moment. Do not allow depression to drag your mind backward, and instead focus on what you can do right now that might help. If you think the answer is "nothing"- try it. Try anything that is healthy, healing, and does not bring you harm. Be open to the possibility that while you can't put the banana peel back together, you still have choices right now regardless of the past. Despite what depression will tell you, mistakes do not make you less of a person- they make you a whole one. You are still in control of your behaviors and your plan from this moment forward. We know that how we think about things can help or hurt our mood, and our behaviors can follow. Our bodies will follow our minds, whether or not we realize it.

My son might just need a little more time to be mad before he decides to do anything differently, and I can't fault him for that. We all get there in our own time, and he will learn about his choices just like the rest of us. Make sure you're learning something that's fair and kind- not what depression and anxiety try to say. Do not let them convince you that you are not whole, because you are.